If You’re Not Complaining, There’s Something Wrong With You
If there was a master list of self-development advice somewhere, I’m pretty sure one of the items on the list would be “Don’t complain”. In the classic self-development book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Dale Carnegie admonished people to stop “criticising, condemning or complaining”. All being signs of a miserable person that no one would want to be around.
As a general rule I have to agree with that. People who constantly complain are pretty bad company. And when you are constantly focussing on the negative, it makes it hard to be optimistic or successful.
But what about the opposite of the complainer? The “easy going” person who will pretty much agree with everything. They don’t like making a scene. Even with their friends, they pretty much go along with what everyone else wants. When they are in a relationship, they always give in to the other person. “Easy going” people are so easy to get on with! Doesn’t everyone love them? Aren’t they just brilliant people?
I’m not so sure. In theory it’s good to practice zen-like acceptance but in fact a lot of these people aren’t “easy going” because they are enlightened souls who accept all that comes their way. Their willingness to give in to others is actually a response based on fear. Fear of asserting themselves. They give in, because they don’t feel confident enough to express their own view.
So, you might ask, what’s the problem? The world needs dominant and submissive people. In a relationship, if one person is more headstrong then the other should be more accommodating.
Well, if giving in all the time had no ill-effects, I might agree with you. But that’s not the case. Each time you give in to someone else’s will (because you were too scared to say otherwise) you store up a bit more frustration. Some of these apparently calm, easy going people are actually bundles of rage. Scratch the surface and the anger is seething below.
What I’m trying to say is complaining can be bad but not complaining can be worse. Especially if the person’s not complaining because they don’t feel confident enough to assert their true feelings.
Action Step
If you complain too much. Stop it! People don’t like being around you when you are like that. What’s too much complaining? When you respond to most situations during the day with a negative opinion.
On the other hand, if you are the sort of person who let’s others get their way most of the time, ask yourself this: Are you actually easy going, or are you just too afraid to make a fuss? Don’t store up anger. It’s not like a fine wine.. it doesn’t get better the longer you keep it.
Photo by Aturkus // CC by 2.0
I totally agree with you. I was like that “easy going” just to get along with anyone. I was also very indifferent, always trying to avoiding confrontation. Life was pretty good, but always I felt something lacking. Slowly I realised that its not the way to be. People always take you for granted, you appear as someone who doesn’t have any opinions and then the frustrations build up within you. And one day for no apparent reason your burst out causing grief to the other persons.
I think a more rationale and realistic way is to overcome your fear- one small step at a time. Express your opinions but never rudely, always try to understand the other persons opinion and if you feel its logical then accept the opinions, but not otherwise. And with those that truly matter it pays to let loose once in a while - mainly to let them know that intentionally or unintentionally they are causing you pain. Even though this may cause some pain in the short term, if they truly love you, they’ll understand what you are saying and mend their ways. This will also create a better bonding.
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Comment by Naveen — August 13, 2009 @ 5:57 pm
complaining is just a sign of not taking responsibility for the situation or outcome. Once you take full responsibility of your life and all the events. Only then will the complaining stop!
great post!
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Comment by jonathanfigaro — August 13, 2009 @ 6:42 pm
Kaizan, I think you are making a valid point, but I think you are choosing the wrong words. Not complaining does not equal easy going and letting people walk all over you. There is a difference between dissent which is reasoned disagreement and complaining. Complaining is useless griping with no positive outcome. It’s a waste of your time and mental energy. I can be a very strong personality with strong opinions and yet not complain.
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Comment by Stephen - Rat Race Trap — August 15, 2009 @ 1:30 pm
Despite all of the negatives about complaining, a thought occurred to me the other day…
It seems that complainers are potential leaders who can rally others to action through their words… the only problem is because of the form the communication takes, and because of the refusal to take any action at all, this turns into a completely negative experience.
If we worked to channel the energy that drives us to complain in a more creative way, I bet we would not only provide a good outlet for it, but also possibly bring people together to make some positive changes in out world!
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Comment by Karthik Kumar | Between a Breath — August 16, 2009 @ 2:16 am
@Naveen
Wow! Your comment is almost longer than the blog post! Great stuff!
I’ve noticed a lot of those people who keep it in, do sometimes have a sudden “uncharacteristic” outburst. Sometimes the pressure has to be released.
As anyone who reads this blog knows, Im a great fan of taking small steps. And I totally agree with you,that expressing your opinion in small steps is the best way to go.
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Comment by Kaizan — August 16, 2009 @ 2:51 am
@jonathanfigaro
Thanks for the comment. Agreed, complaining in the true sense of the word is very disempowered.
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Comment by Kaizan — August 16, 2009 @ 2:52 am
@Stephen
Thanks for the comment. You are of course, right. Complaining is not the right word for this, but it makes a catchy title!
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Comment by Kaizan — August 16, 2009 @ 2:53 am
@Karthik Kumar
You reminded me of a George Bernard Shaw quote:
“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”
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Comment by Kaizan — August 16, 2009 @ 2:55 am
Everything should be in moderation. A person of wisdom will know when to give way and when to resist.
It is foolish to coward when you need to confront, it’s hard to gain respect with this kind of attitude.
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Comment by Walter — August 17, 2009 @ 12:25 am
This reminds me that it takes all kinds of people to make the world go around. For those who love a good and whiny person, there are complainers. For those who like the “sure, whatever” folks, there are the easy going ones. And I’m constantly learning more about myself through all of them. Any time I look at a complainer and think, “Stop that!” I’m recognizing something in me that resonates with their unhappiness. Same goes for the laid back folks.
Great stuff here! I like your blog!
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Comment by Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord — August 17, 2009 @ 12:04 pm
@Walter
Thanks for the comment. Agreed, moderation in all things is good.
@Megan
Thanks for visiting and thanks for the kind comments about the blog.
I agree, we often dislike in others what we see in ourselves.
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Comment by Kaizan — August 17, 2009 @ 12:47 pm
I like to call it criticism, not complaining. I find it useful because without it I’d lose my capacity & desire to change things for the better.
It’s only those that do nothing about their complaints that breed negativity. And they have bigger issues to deal with than whining.
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Comment by Nicole — August 20, 2009 @ 2:51 pm
People don’t neatly fit onto a ‘Whiner –> Doormat’ axis. Your post hit the nail on the head then ruined it with a false dichotomy.
Neither behaviour is intrinsically good or bad - what matters is WHY you’re pursuing it.
Similarly, this idea that a relationship needs a ‘dominant person’ and a ’submissive person’ is flawed. Relationships can and do work well in a situation of ebb and flow, give and take, with complementary perspectives and strengths in different areas.
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