Never Regret Anything
How often do you regret things that happened in the past? I know some people who spend most of their life saying things like:
“If I hadn’t stuffed up that interview, I would have got that job”
“I wish I hadn’t married him/her”
“If only things had worked out between us”
Regret is the close cousin of anxiety. While anxiety is worry about the future, regret is worry about the past. Thinking about the past in order to learn a lesson (so as not to repeat the mistake again) is sensible. Ruminating about the past and wondering “what if” is not helpful at all.
I decided several years ago, that regretting past decisions was something I was never going to do. No matter how something turned out, I would not look back and beat myself up for not making the “correct” decision. I have stuck by this resolution because I know that:
1. Every decision I have ever made as been with good intentions. I have never consciously tried to make my life worse. Knowing this, how can I turn around and feel upset with myself if something turns out bad?
2. I can only make decisions with the information I have at the time. There is no point looking back, with the benefit of hindsight and ruing a decision you made. If you had known what was going to happen, you probably would have made a different decision.
If you remember these two points, you really can’t regret any decision you have ever made. You always (consciously) try to do what you think is best for yourself. And you can only ever work with the information you know.
Even when you make what seem like objectively bad decisions (e.g. smoking, not exercising etc) you do these because there is some other stronger reason against making the “right” choice. We all have good reasons why we do what we do.
Action Step
Think about the some of the decisions you regret in life:
Did you make the decision hoping things would turn out badly? Of course not!
Do the decisions look bad now, only because you have the benefit of hindsight?
If you agree that you tried your best, and you made the decision based on what you knew at the time, then it’s time to let it go.
Photo by Open Sky Media // CC by 2.0
Great post!
I honestly believe, that all decisions we make ‘good’ or ‘bad’ contribute to who I am today, but sometimes I do notice a creeping feeling of regret and I think then there’s an opportunity to learn something for the future, an opportunity to do something different next time.
[Reply]
Kaizan Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Hi Jen, Congrats on being the first comment!
Exactly. If you are learning a lesson from the past then that’s a good use of the past. But just incessantly replaying previous decisions and wishing you had made a different choice is not helpful at all.
Thanks for the positive feedback.
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Comment by Jen — August 24, 2009 @ 10:32 am
My friend gave me this exact same advice several years ago. It was one of the best things she ever said to me. As you said decisions you make at the time are correct at the time, so why regret them?
Keep up the good work. I enjoy you very good posts.
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Comment by Sarah — August 24, 2009 @ 2:58 pm
Good article. The first one I have read since I subscribed. I especially like the identification that you made, “anxiety is worry about the future, regret is worry about the past.”
I have never really understood why people said “no regrets ever.” We are all human and make mistaks so shouldnt we all regret our mistakes? What should I do, I would think, celebrate the mistakes? Your wording really clarified the nature of “regret” for me. Good work!
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Comment by Wayne Key — August 24, 2009 @ 4:52 pm
This is a great subject, and I was interested to read your thoughts. I have a different perspective on one of these issues, though, that everything we do is done with good intentions, or that we have good reasons for everything we do. There are bad intentions as well as good ones, and bad reasons as well as good ones: we make decisions sometimes with bad intentions (”Screw him, I don’t care whether I’m doing what we agreed to any more! I’m sick of this.”) and sometimes with bad reasons (”I feel tired, so I won’t exercise” [since exercise is a good way to feel LESS tired]).
So it seems to me that there are two things we could mean by regret: one is simply feeling that we made the wrong choice, and owning that choice. The other, probably more common one, is beating ourselves up about some mistake we’ve made. The second one is only useful if it pretty quickly leads to the first one, but I think the first one is always useful. Even negative emotions have the value of directing our attention to problems we need to fix, although if we hang onto those negative emotions past the point where we notice what’s going on, they’re nothing but trouble. I think there’s an interesting gray area of whether or not regret and other negative emotions are useful if we haven’t yet understood the lesson they’re trying to get across after some time.
I really love your second point, about only being able to make the best decision we could at the time. I think it contributes to a much healthier and more productive perspective. Thanks for another meaningful and interesting post.
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Comment by Luc Reid — August 24, 2009 @ 5:07 pm
Awesome picture!
As I often tell people, “If you’re still alive and healthy enough to complain, you should have nothing to complain about.”
No regrets.
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Comment by Ron - Heroic Nature — August 25, 2009 @ 12:05 am
I love this. I feel like I could have written it!!
I worry too much about past decisions. I try not to, but I do. This is so strange… I just wrote a part of a new post today about exactly this topic. It’s like you were reading my mind!
I truly believe that there is no point in regret, since something is always learned.
I love that quote too, “That there is no failure, only feedback.”
Thanks for the reminder!!
Karen
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Comment by Karen — August 25, 2009 @ 12:45 am
My best friend from college gave me one piece of advice “Forget regret or life is yours to miss”
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Comment by Srinivas Rao — August 25, 2009 @ 5:17 pm
Lets not overlook the fact that sometimes you are genuinely going to regret some decisions you make, it’s only human. Fair play, it happens.
At some point in our lives we really do mess up and sometimes all you can do is sit back and think “Yep, that was dumb”
Life is about the downs as well as the ups and while dwelling on the downs for too long is not a great idea, one of the pure pleasures of life is from the ironic sense of joy that can be found from messing up, getting a few mates round who sympathize, giving the daftness of the decision the time it deserves and then moving on with the issue sufficiently closed behind you.
Sometimes I think we can be too quick to whitewash over our mistakes or bad decisions and move on throwing our disappointment our shoulder as if it doesn’t effect us as we stride forward. This is not always healthy either.
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Comment by Jonny | thelifething.com — August 25, 2009 @ 10:05 pm
Nice post. Thanks for writing. Good clarity on anxiety and regret.
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Comment by Russ Smith — August 26, 2009 @ 8:47 pm
Great thoughts! I used to regret a lot in my 20’s. Now that I’m in my 40’s, I now realize I don’t have regrets as I’ve processed the mistakes and learned from them. Now, as you alluded to in your post, I make decisions of course with the hopes of the best outcome. I’m a bit of snail these days when it comes to relationships; however, I take it for what it is.
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Comment by Rosalyn — August 27, 2009 @ 1:42 pm
“While anxiety is worry about the future, regret is worry about the past.”
Never thought of it like this, very well put!
As with anyone else, I don’t want to look back in regret and so I take small steps every day towards a better me!
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Comment by Ken Kurosawa | Wasabi Burger — August 28, 2009 @ 3:27 am
I cant agree more with the article. Regret is a waste of time. Learning from past mistakes however improve you.
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Comment by Karlil @ PDPro — August 29, 2009 @ 6:33 am
Kaizan
Where do you draw the line between learning from the past and regretting?
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Kaizan Reply:
August 31st, 2009 at 8:40 am
@Nazim
Good question!
Learning from the past is extracting a lesson from a situation for use in the future
Regret is if you are spending time going over it in your mind with the result being sadness, guilt and self-criticism.
The first is solution focussed and positive. The second is problem focussed and negative.
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Comment by Nazim Khimani — August 30, 2009 @ 8:50 pm
hi Kaizan! What a wonderful post! I love the photo that you chose also! Very effective!
I like what you also shared how we couldn’t have known until we’ve seen in hindsight ‘now’, or we wouldn’t have done it! Very true! I think that as long as we learned our lesson, we can let it go, and release ourself from this harmful lingering attachment. Thanks for the reminder to this important topic! Namaste! ~Sharmila
I appreciate what you shared in that [regret is directly linked to anxiety. While anxiety is worry about the future, regret is worry about the past.] I suppose there have been a few things I have found it hard to let go of and yet I am learning to take each thought captive, as I go!
p.s. I think of a scenario for me that I found difficult lately to let go of and it involved another person. I don’t regret being ‘truthful’, and yet I regret that they may have been hurt by the shift that was necessary to take place for both of us to live more healthy lives. I think in a sense, I gave the better gift by not continuing to hold on when I saw that it was unhealthy on my end. Now, i have to trust the Universe will take care of the healing process which it does best! I think too often if we try to take on that role we can make it real messy, so I did learn after my truthful expression, I had to not ‘over-explain’..let it rest not to cause more hurt, and trust that in time, peace would be found for both of us! The worst scenarios have happened for me when I don’t listen to that ‘discerning voice’ and instead run after my mistakes! horrible, never doing that again!
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